The Ride Is Not Over Yet.

The last two weeks or so have been very trying. Between the cost of my car and physical and emotional pain I'm exhausted in all sorts of ways.

In my last post which was for the most part dedicated to my lost friend, I spoke of anger and faithlessness in my Heavenly Father. I couldn't see the reasons or make any sense of the purpose is taking Jared. And through prayer and testimonies of his wife and my friend Tiffany and through many others who mourn his passing I've come to see the tender mercies and love that was around their family prior to his death and that it was simply his time. I'm not entirely sure of every detail but I understand that each of his family members got their own special goodbye, not that they knew that's what it was at the time, but the spirit and God in his infinite wisdom was giving them that peace. I realize that Jared's mission here on earth was done and that he was needed back in Heaven. I know that the road will be long and difficult for Tiffany especially as she prepares for the birth of their second baby, but part of my peace has come from her faith. She feels Jared and the Lord with her, carrying her through this trial. I wish I could be there for her but I know she is surrounded by love and I always say a prayer for her in my heart. It reminds me of the movie Charly, when she knows that she is going to die and she tells him,"This is not the end, the ride is not over yet. I'll save your place in line." Tiff and Jared's ride is NOT over, they are sealed forever and when the time comes they will be together in Heaven.

With all that's happened, it feels just a little wrong that I'm sitting here moaning about my car and my back when there are people out there really suffering but I am human and life sometimes kicks you in the pants.

Its been nearly a year now that I've been living with a herniated disk. And I will tell you now feeling like I'm an old woman was not how I imagined being 21 would be, but I guess things don't always go as planned. I don't think that God intentionally maimed me, but I think he's trying to teach me something, the sly old fox. If you know me at all, you know that I HATE asking for help. I'm stubborn and being on my own, I figure I just have to do it cause no one will do it for me. So I change the oil in my car by myself. I changed the tire on my grandmas car last night by myself. I lift cases of water and pick up whatever because I have to do it because I'm a girl living on her own. And I still have trouble asking but I don't reject it if someone offers and I've had to be patient and learn to be still. God doesn't give us patience, he gives us opportunities to be patient.

I am also learning these lessons whole dealing with my car. I had to both ask for help and be patient while things were being repaired. And I still don't like it but if I hadn't I'd be stranded. It's hard in the moment to look at your situation and to be thankful for your trials. But with all the much more terrible things going on around me I've realized I have much to be thankful for. I have a job, I still have a car despite the cost of fixing, I have a family who helps me and loves me no matter what. I have people on earth and in heaven looking out for me. No matter how bad my back hurts I am here. I can walk even if it's with a limp when the nerves get pinched by whatever is going on. My body functions mostly the way it should. I can see, I can hear. There really is much to be thankful for.

I Can Not See You But I Know You Are There

~ Did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren't you anymore? If you were suddenly gone, how would your world react? Whatever you imagined was wrong. There is nothing romantic about death. Grief is like the ocean; it's deep and dark and bigger than all if us. And pain is like a thief in the night; Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love.


Remember how in my last post I said that sometimes words just aren't enough? This is one of those times. Someone near and dear to my heart passed away this week, Jared Johansen.

I can't even begin to describe how heart breaking and sad this loss is. He is leaving behind a beautiful wife who happens to be one of the best friends I have ever had, their daughter, a daughter who is due here in January, and a whole host of other people who will never be the same...

I can't help but feel angry with God at this moment, until now believing that everything happens for a reason, I can't see what possible purpose it serves taking this man away from his family at such a young age. All I can keep thinking is ," Why?".

My heart is aching, I can't catch my breath and as hurt and angry as I am with the Lord I am grateful of the knowledge and faith enough to know that I will see Jared again. That he is there watching us. I know that he is with Michael and that thought quiets my sorrows even if just a little. I keep a prayer in my heart for my friend that her suffering will be eased and that soon she will feel peace. That she will know that Jared is always with her.

If you're reading this and wondering who Michael is, he is the brother of the friend mentioned in this post. He left us to go Home in 2009. I still miss him even though I knew him a short while.

But they are both in a beautiful place now in the presence of their Father in heaven and loving brother and Redeemer. A place of peace and love and harmony. Where they don't have to suffer the pains and contention of this world. And i look forward to the time when we will meet again and I know that the pain we feel now will feel as small as the space between one blink of an eye to the next.

Rest in peace forever my dear friend until we meet again. I love you

Jared Alan Johansen

You look fat when you cry

~There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love...

~Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive...


So today was sad and painful for me. My family has been here in Arizona for thanksgiving and this morning they left. I don't think I realized just how much I missed them until I saw them and then had to say goodbye again. So I spent a better part of yesterday bawling my eyes out. And for the most part I didn't want to say goodbye, especially to my mom. But then I guess I just needed to cry.

I think we all have those times where you keep it in and keep it in and then the smallest piece of straw breaks the camels back, so to speak. I started the cry-a-thon off with just not wanting to them to leave and then I realized how lonely I am and then that I basically have no idea what I'm going to do about my broken car and then the pain behind my right eye that refuses to go away and I haven't slept and my feet hurt from work and basically everything I would never cry about came flooding to the surface.

I'm not sure where or when or why it happened but lately my emotions are so raw and close to the surface that little things make me tear up and it sucks!!! I feel like a baby!

The two quotes from above bring me a strange sense of comfort. I guess I just have this thing I'm not sure how to explain it I just am moved by phrases and sentences that have a resounding truth.

I don't know when or why showing your feelings or crying or anything became a sign of weakness, but like the quotes say they speak of many things. I can remember many times I laughed so hard I started crying. Or the insane joy I felt the first time I held my nephew after he was born; this little boy that after one second in my arms an incredible love that could only be expressed in tears of joy.

And then there are the not-so-happy tears. The ones where you feel a grief and a sadness so profound and staggering that words or silence are not enough.

Tears are not weak. It is ok to feel. Happiness is a mood not a destination. It's like being hungry or tired. It comes and goes. I always thought a robot would be boring anyway

Chivalry Is DEAD!

So..I decided to start this fun little doodad to help let out all the crap that builds up during my day. That way I don't blow up and maybe I can give someone a chuckle, or something to that effect.

I warn you beforehand, I am not a writer or an English major, I try to use correct spelling and grammar but like I said, My mind is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. So deal with it or go away.

Here goes... This week, thus far has not been good. Well it kinda starts with Saturday night. Around 11 pm, a friend, well I guess a friend I have no idea how to describe our relationship, anyway, he calls me up yet again because the latest girl (that I warned him about) turned into the Crazy (that I warned him about). So she wasted his time and she's psycho and blah de blah de blah. And I am trying to be sympathetic and nice and to not say " I told you so" so he whines at me to stay on the phone until he falls asleep which is 3 Hours later. Then he calls me the next morning and starts talking about it again then falls asleep again. I was going to go to church but I also fell asleep. Not the point, he texts me later and starts getting into this religious debate which basically ends up with him telling me to kiss his ass and I'm a close minded moron.

Later that night my date bailed on me and I got absolutely no sleep.

Monday rolls around, My car has been acting up and that day seemed so much worse but the date I had was supposed to come over after I get off work I call to let him know I'm home but he doesn't answer and never calls back. So I decide to go to the store to get the things I have been assigned to  bring for Thanksgiving dinner and my car, on the freeway decides it just doesn't want the clutch to engage. So I barely make it off the freeway and, praise Jebus, I safely coast into a nearby parking lot just in time to have an emotional break down.

I will tell you now that chivalry seems to have died somewhere in the generations before me, as I, a girl in my 20's, stood there crying my eyes out, poking around hopelessly under the hood of my car I counted no less than 23 men who slowed down to stare at me then speed off without stopping. Now I realize that there was really nothing they could do, and maybe it's because I grew up with a great dad who is a real man, but he would always stop just to ask if there was something he could do, or if they were alright. So none of these 23 guys stopped at all and one guy actually skateboarded around my car, looking at me the whole time and then got in his truck and drove away... ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!

Eventually I get home and take a few pills that my doctor gave me, they're actually like super allergy pills basically but they put me to sleep so it works for me. I wake up today feeling like what I imagine a hangover feels like, I go with my uncle to tow my car out of the parking lot I left it in and that goes good. Work wasn't horrible I guess, and I am leaving soon to pick up my brother, Sister in law and nephew at the airport, I haven't seen them since March of this year and the rest of my family will be here tomorrow afternoon for the holiday. I know seeing them will make me feel better.

I will delve deeper into this crazy jungle later but off to the airport, ONWARD HO!!! What did you call me? Just kidding

...But Seriously