The Ride Is Not Over Yet.

The last two weeks or so have been very trying. Between the cost of my car and physical and emotional pain I'm exhausted in all sorts of ways.

In my last post which was for the most part dedicated to my lost friend, I spoke of anger and faithlessness in my Heavenly Father. I couldn't see the reasons or make any sense of the purpose is taking Jared. And through prayer and testimonies of his wife and my friend Tiffany and through many others who mourn his passing I've come to see the tender mercies and love that was around their family prior to his death and that it was simply his time. I'm not entirely sure of every detail but I understand that each of his family members got their own special goodbye, not that they knew that's what it was at the time, but the spirit and God in his infinite wisdom was giving them that peace. I realize that Jared's mission here on earth was done and that he was needed back in Heaven. I know that the road will be long and difficult for Tiffany especially as she prepares for the birth of their second baby, but part of my peace has come from her faith. She feels Jared and the Lord with her, carrying her through this trial. I wish I could be there for her but I know she is surrounded by love and I always say a prayer for her in my heart. It reminds me of the movie Charly, when she knows that she is going to die and she tells him,"This is not the end, the ride is not over yet. I'll save your place in line." Tiff and Jared's ride is NOT over, they are sealed forever and when the time comes they will be together in Heaven.

With all that's happened, it feels just a little wrong that I'm sitting here moaning about my car and my back when there are people out there really suffering but I am human and life sometimes kicks you in the pants.

Its been nearly a year now that I've been living with a herniated disk. And I will tell you now feeling like I'm an old woman was not how I imagined being 21 would be, but I guess things don't always go as planned. I don't think that God intentionally maimed me, but I think he's trying to teach me something, the sly old fox. If you know me at all, you know that I HATE asking for help. I'm stubborn and being on my own, I figure I just have to do it cause no one will do it for me. So I change the oil in my car by myself. I changed the tire on my grandmas car last night by myself. I lift cases of water and pick up whatever because I have to do it because I'm a girl living on her own. And I still have trouble asking but I don't reject it if someone offers and I've had to be patient and learn to be still. God doesn't give us patience, he gives us opportunities to be patient.

I am also learning these lessons whole dealing with my car. I had to both ask for help and be patient while things were being repaired. And I still don't like it but if I hadn't I'd be stranded. It's hard in the moment to look at your situation and to be thankful for your trials. But with all the much more terrible things going on around me I've realized I have much to be thankful for. I have a job, I still have a car despite the cost of fixing, I have a family who helps me and loves me no matter what. I have people on earth and in heaven looking out for me. No matter how bad my back hurts I am here. I can walk even if it's with a limp when the nerves get pinched by whatever is going on. My body functions mostly the way it should. I can see, I can hear. There really is much to be thankful for.

I Can Not See You But I Know You Are There

~ Did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren't you anymore? If you were suddenly gone, how would your world react? Whatever you imagined was wrong. There is nothing romantic about death. Grief is like the ocean; it's deep and dark and bigger than all if us. And pain is like a thief in the night; Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love.


Remember how in my last post I said that sometimes words just aren't enough? This is one of those times. Someone near and dear to my heart passed away this week, Jared Johansen.

I can't even begin to describe how heart breaking and sad this loss is. He is leaving behind a beautiful wife who happens to be one of the best friends I have ever had, their daughter, a daughter who is due here in January, and a whole host of other people who will never be the same...

I can't help but feel angry with God at this moment, until now believing that everything happens for a reason, I can't see what possible purpose it serves taking this man away from his family at such a young age. All I can keep thinking is ," Why?".

My heart is aching, I can't catch my breath and as hurt and angry as I am with the Lord I am grateful of the knowledge and faith enough to know that I will see Jared again. That he is there watching us. I know that he is with Michael and that thought quiets my sorrows even if just a little. I keep a prayer in my heart for my friend that her suffering will be eased and that soon she will feel peace. That she will know that Jared is always with her.

If you're reading this and wondering who Michael is, he is the brother of the friend mentioned in this post. He left us to go Home in 2009. I still miss him even though I knew him a short while.

But they are both in a beautiful place now in the presence of their Father in heaven and loving brother and Redeemer. A place of peace and love and harmony. Where they don't have to suffer the pains and contention of this world. And i look forward to the time when we will meet again and I know that the pain we feel now will feel as small as the space between one blink of an eye to the next.

Rest in peace forever my dear friend until we meet again. I love you

Jared Alan Johansen